Please remain in your seat with your seatbelt fashioned. Flight 2017 is underway, but turbulence is assured.
As usual, the year kicked off at the Consuming Technology Spectacle in Lost Vegas, where more than 100,000 humans were introduced to their robot replacements. Meanwhile, commercial air travel around the planet will come to a veritable halt on a daily basis because of a network “glitch,” a term meaning, “who the heck knows?”
In 2017, Silicon Valley, responding to the demise of pollinators, will code another nonfood nutrient substance called “packaging” in Bubblé Wrap, Artisan Cardboard and Cellophane. Bon Appétit will declare a minimalist food revolution.
Waste not, want not.
Also in 2017, Apple will introduce the iPhoneWhyNot, in answer to the question, “why do I need another iPhone… hey, this thing just bricked!”
Millennials will endorse Prince Harry’s strong yet fuzzy jawline for the next president of what remains of the United States.
Drones will fill the sky in 2017. News drones, broadband drones, delivery drones, recreational drones, medical drones, survey drones, drones that climb on rocks. The horizon will become a veritable debris field of drones.
Slingshots and falconry will make a resurgence, while Canada will erect a net.
Political satire is quite likely to take a hit in 2017, as are citizens in 26 states plus the District of Columbia.
Also in 2017, Disney will make a “Star Wars” movie explaining all “Star Wars” movies, including Darth Vader’s hormonal issues.
Elsewhere in Hollywood, a new reality show will take shape. “Paintball Hunger Games” will feature a bevy of young, attractive individuals from the job-starved interior of the country competing to have a Facebook database farm located in their communities that will provide two, modestly paying janitorial jobs until Roombas replace them.
Mark Zuckerberg will respond to criticism by saying, “That’s just silly.”
And so it goes.