McAdams, In 2014…

EVERYWHERE, MAN—LG will debut a 105-inch curved LCD 4KTV at CES in January, dwarfing the Samsung UN85S9 85- inch 3D/4KTV now available on Amazon for $39,997.99. The UN85S9 has been marked down by $5,002 since reviewer James O. Thach sold his daughter into white slavery to purchase one.

“I’ve never seen the world with such clarity,” he wrote.

In February, petite Hawaiian soul singer Bruno Mars will give the most vulgarity-free Super Bowl halftime performance in recent memory, nonetheless provoking a flood of complaints with the FCC because he did not send flowers.

In March, the National Association of Broadcasters will question the FCC’s authority to write software of any kind. The FCC will respond with TVStudy vers. 655.

At the NAB Show in April, Japan’s NHK contingent will demonstrate corporeal TV now that science has revealed that reality as we know it is a hologram.

By May, the price of the as-yet unpriced 105-inch LG LCD 4KTV will be slashed in half after the only person in the known galaxy able to buy one—Tony Stark—has done so.

In June, millions of Americans will once again exchange looks of mild confusion over the use of the term “football” to describe what is domestically known as “soccer.” By July, U.S. sports fans will have fallen into a mild funk over not being the cynosure of the sports universe, the U.S. men’s team being essentially an international roster. If they get past Germany, however… O_O

Congress will recess in August and relative peace will prevail throughout television punditry. Chaos will return in September as 435 U.S. Representatives and 33 U.S. Senators fight for their lavish lifestyles by casting aspersions in primetime TV spit fights that would be prohibited on any school playground.

Rob Ford will be re-elected mayor of Toronto in October on the platform of gang signs.

By November, the North American public will need a drink.

In December, Amanda Thach will return home in time for her dad to buy that reduced-priced LG 105-inch curved LCD 4KTV. She will not be amused.

But we will.