Dear President Obama,
It has come to my attention that Federal Communications Commission Chairman Julius Genachowski may be ready to return to the private sector, where, like many an esteemed chairman before him, he can collect handsomely on all the nice things he did for others as the head of the nation’s media regulatory agency.
I understand this job involves the clever and strategic use of cupcakery. In light of Chairman Genachowski’s rumored possible exit, I wanted to take this opportunity to inform you that I, too, enjoy cupcakes, and think rather highly of ball-shaped cakes on sticks as well. For these, and other, possibly more germane reasons, I believe myself to be the perfect nominee for the chairmanship. Allow me to elaborate.
In keeping with the established tradition that the FCC leadership have as little engineering experience as possible, I clearly qualify. I am not an engineer, though I know several engineers personally and even speak with them on occasion. I’ve had many years of practicing to appear as if I have a clue about what they are saying. I am in fact often able to take their information and reinterpret it as something completely unrecognizable. I think you’ll agree this is generally in keeping with current policy directives.
Also, if you’ve had the pleasure of regularly reading my weekly blog here at TV Technology, which I’m sure you have, then you’ll see that I possess yet another skill commensurate with the office of chairman, and that is the ability to carry on at some length without actually saying anything relevant. Another related skill along these lines is to advocate for an industry in terms of patriotic and moral duty. Rest assured that I will stop at nothing to continuously stress to the unsuspecting consumer media that whichever industry promises me the biggest payoff your policy goals willcreate hundreds of millions of jobs, erase the deficit, and save the lives of millions of innocent children for generations to come.
I also pledge to continue the subliminal campaign characterizing radio frequency spectrum as something on the end of a leash. In addition, I will appear to be concerned about media diversity when in reality I couldn’t care less. (We don’t, right? Because if we did, we wouldn’t be pushing a spectrum policy that will drive every non-English-language TV station off the air, correct?)
With regard to the agency’s website, I will build upon the current administration’s deployment of an army of web devs, who had never nor will ever use it for research purposes, and who turned it into a barely navigable and therefore commercially viable site. We’re talking digital ad sales, here. This is an ongoing lost revenue opportunity, particularly with traffic spiking from the insane number of “folders” employed in the online TV station public file initiative.
Among my other qualifications for the job of FCC chairman, I have the necessary legal training, having used the Lexis/Nexis terminal at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus library. I am a regular reader of Courthouse News, and have caught the end of something Nancy Grace said a time or two.
I’m sure you’ll find I have innumerable skills to recommend me for this job. I would refer you to my profile on Linkedin.com, where you’ll see that a significant number of individuals have endorsed me for such competencies as writing, blogging, writing and “dancing at SMPTE.” You may also know that I have a long history of associating with influential people, including Ted Turner, who once requested that I sit on his lap, to former FCC Chairman Michael Powell, who did not. I believe it should also be mentioned here that I can, with a bit of warming up, shoot a pretty decent three-pointer. I am also a woman, a paucity of which have occupied that luxurious eighth-floor office with its magnificent view of Washington, D.C.
In conclusion, Mr. President, let me say that I believe you will find me to be the foremost nominee for the chairmanship. I look forward to my nomination and standing in front of the Senate appearing contrite and serious. Most of all, I look forward to the windfall of cupcakery that will come my way once I, too, have been chairmadame.
Deborah D. McAdams
Dear President Obama,