Boy, did I have fun with the May “Free TV” editorial. The editorial generated more feedback than any I've written in the past 16 years. In fact, I received more letters from that editorial than the one lambasting 8VSB.
By now, many of you who wrote me have probably figured out, I was really talking about an off-the-air antenna. The truth is, yes Virginia, there really is free TV. It's out there in the sky above your house, and even in your basement if you want it. The problem is that most folks don't know about it. They continue to believe that nothing is free anymore — even television programs.
It's a sign of today's society. You go to the gas station and pay for free air. You pay the phone company extra just to not list your phone number. And we're all still paying an extra fee for “Touch-tone.” What scams.
Based on the tremendous feedback to my earlier Free TV editorial, I suggest we take back the free airways. Let's launch a national campaign promoting Free TV. We'll get some celebrities to hawk the advantages of Free TV. They can claim they've made the switch and lost weight, cured their acne or broken that evil cable TV habit.
For example, we'll get Bob Dole. “I erected my own TV tower to get Free TV,” he'll say. To catch the younger crowd, Jennifer Lopez, in some skimpy outfit standing next to a TV with one of her videos playing. She'll say, “With the money I save with Free TV, I can get an extra pedicure every month.” Or how about James Earl Jones, in his deep, Darth Vader voice, slowly saying, “Get Free TV now, or the Force will destroy your set.”
Don't forget the politicians. First would be former president Bill Clinton. “Why, I'd give two nights in the Lincoln bedroom for my Free TV,” he'd say. Everybody likes to get a bonus, so we'll have Vice President Dick Cheney saying, “Get your Free TV now and I'll throw in 10 free gallons of gas.” Then we'll boil the reasons to get Free TV into something simple.
Top 10 reasons to get drop cable and get Free TV:
10. It doesn't cause cancer.
9. The antenna towers will invite lighting strikes at your mother-in-law's house.
8. No messy cable boxes and multiple remotes to fool with.
7. Your kids can't watch MTV anymore.
6. No more animal rights channels.
5. No more trying to convince your wife that all those VOD movies you ordered were really nature videos.
4. Without 500 channels, your kids will go to their friends' homes to watch TV.
3. If you're convicted of anything, you can claim it was because you were deprived of cable.
2. At least you'll know you aren't paying for all those lousy programs.
And the number one reason to have Free TV — It'll really piss off the cable companies.
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