The Future of TV

I’m lousy at predictions; therefore I will make some. A) We’re all in the dark about the future of TV, and B) five years from now, none of us will dig up the $4,000 market research report that said mobile video would make us all rich, rich, I tells ya!

That mobile thing. Oy. I suppose the relentless pursuit is fueled by the appearance of homo screeniens, those primates of the family Hominidae with display screens attached to one hand perpetually held before the face. (Soon to be superseded by the Google Glassians.) There is some suspicion that these individuals are engaged exclusively in their own ongoing reality show with a select group of 500 or so “friends.” However, there persists the hope that this behavioral trait can be disrupted by the magic of television. After all, mobile TV took off in Japan. (What’s that? Not really?) OK, VCast, then. (Nope.) All right, Qualcomm. (Ixnay on ediaFLOmay.)

Well, you’ve got me, but I wax nostalgic over my Nokia brick, both as a functional device and a potential projectile weapon. Just try to take out an attacker with one of those pansy smartphones. There was a time you could really clock somebody with a phone.

I only know what I want, which is typically off your beaten path. I want a handset with tiny, distortion-free Bose speakers and a Taser setting. I want a TV screen painted on my wall that turns into a Klimt when it’s not on. I want a decipherable remote control. And I certainly don’t care about skipping commercials, because unlike that horrible spot for the Dish Hopper that I wish to un-see, I will not be taking my TV to the loo.

Because, as experts predict, TV will soon be “two-way.” I don’t know about you, but I have all the “reality” I want right now, thank you very much.

Cover image by Geoff Wong.