It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?
Good afternoon, children. Welcome to my neighborhood, where all TV broadcasts and programs are children-friendly.
Come on, children! It's time to watch television. Jamie, can you say, “remote control?” That's right, you need to ask Uncle Copps if it's okay to turn on the set.
“Is it okay, Uncle Copps? Can we watch TV?”
Sure you can, children, because I'm making it safe for all of you to watch television.
Your mommies and daddies know that we at the Federal Censorship Commission (FCC) are here to make sure that all those evil broadcasters and mega corporations don't pollute your little heads with unapproved programs.
Why, just the other day, that big wicked network from Disneyland wanted to run a disgusting history program on the anniversary of WWII.
A man named Steven Spielberg made this award-winning movie that shows what it was really like in the war.
Fortunately, we at the FCC scared broadcasters so much that many stations refused to air it. And that's how we at the FCC like to work — by intimidation. As long as we're on duty here, you children won't have to worry about seeing any other violent Spielberg-directed shows.
By the way, has your mommy or daddy ever mentioned a man named Bono? He's the leader of a band called U2. Now, I don't know what U2 means, but maybe he got the name from the spy plane piloted by Gary Powers that the Russians shot down way back on May 1, 1960.
Anyway, Bono — he goes by Bono, not Mr. Bono — said a bad word on a television show. He said something like “f-ing brilliant.” Now, we, the Federal Censorship Commission, have said that you can't say the f-word on television, so we tried to punish those naughty broadcasters for letting that word hit the airwaves.
Unfortunately, we had to retract our actions because someone pointed out that Bono had used the f-word as an adjective. And, as all good children know, that means the word was a descriptor, not an action. So, we at the FCC decided that it's okay to use the f-word on television as long as you're using it as an adjective. Remember, children, the FCC says it's okay to use the f-word as an adjective or adverb, but not as a noun or verb.
The FCC is also protecting you from vile commercials. Fox canceled this year's Super Bowl commercial for Airborne because it showed Mickey Rooney's butt. The network “deemed [it] inappropriate for broadcast.” Yeah! The federal censors have won again. Now you children won't have to cover your eyes to avoid seeing the actor's 84-year old butt.
My friend Jonathan Adelstein and I should really be working with the other members of the FCC to provide solutions and leadership. But fortunately, our boss, Chairman Powell, is looking for another job, so he's not paying much attention to things. That leaves Mr. Adelstein and me free to keep TV safe for all of America's little children.
Well, the clock says it time to go, so turn off the television, and start your homework. I'll be back tomorrow to tell you another story about how your friendly FCC will continue to ruin broadcasting and protect all of us from those evil mega corporations.
As told to your editor …