A recent survey by the Foundation for Nebulous Market Research revealed that online revenues will exceed the U.S. national debt by tomorrow afternoon. These revenues are being generated entirely by the expectation that someone, somewhere, will buy something, at some point.
“We can’t say for sure who, what, where and when, but we’re pretty sure it may happen,” said Nebulous researcher Myron L. Dillwiper.
Notwithstanding that only six households in the United States have the discretionary spending power for another pair of shoes, deep-learning modeler Duncan Millipede said there is a 50-50 certainty that one of them will drop some green.
“Our algorithms indicate that you can’t take it with you,” Millipede said from his six-by-six-foot luxury living pod tied to a flatbed somewhere in or around Palo Alto, Calif.
Such is the certainty surrounding the assumption that someone, somewhere, will spend money at some point, that a new stock exchange has been created specifically to track it. The Googlex will continuously illustrate how one company can siphon off massive amounts of cash from an economy by stalking online users and bombarding them with ads for something they just looked at but decided not to buy. Economist Hermione Wiggledorfer explains:
“It’s about math,” she said, baffling onlookers.
The nation’s last investigative reporter, Destri “Scoop” Fishbein, dug into the phenomenon and came to the conclusion that the staggering revenues predicted by the FNMR study are indeed comprised entirely of numbers.
“There’s no actual money involved,” said Fishbein, who once used a typewriter. “Just electrons shaped like integers.”
Dillwiper, who doubles as an Uber driver when he’s not renting out the back seat of his 2004 Dodge Dart on Airbnb, confirmed Fishbein’s findings.
“‘Revenue’ should never be confused with ‘money,’” he said between gulps of reconstituted Soylent. “Welcome to the new economy.”
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