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In 2014…

....every piece of technology in my household became obsolete. Even the 50-inch 4KTV, that I bought in July is a relic.

It’s not “smart.”

For $400 and a little bezel damage, would you care if your TV couldn’t cruise YouTube on its own; that you had to buy a peripheral device the size of cake of soap for $100 to get it to do that? Nah, I didn’t think so.

Then again, what passes for a “smart” TV uses see-and-spell technology for searches. “Using the arrow on your remote, find and select the letters of your search subject.” Really, Silicon Valley super whizzes? Really?

Then yet again, how smart does one really want one’s TV to be? Even as I do these see-and-spell exercises, the soap cake is remembering them.

“You might like this,” it says, but I never fall for it. I won’t be owned by a cake of soap. Irrational feelings, yes, but not a cake of soap.

I think now might be an ideal time to categorically deny everything that’s ever appeared or will appear in my electronic record and state that it is clearly the work of malicious hackers of unknown origin.

It’s pretty much a given that the next generation… (I’m sorry. I’m over that phrase, too. We are open to suggestion.) The next generation of smart TVs will be voice-controlled. I’d prefer mine gesture-controlled, but that opens up a completely different set of nightmare scenarios compared to the first. Because as you all know, Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking have now joined those informing us that our smart technology is going to take us down. How hard could it be? We’re giving it the wheel of the car. The only people left will be those driving vehicles with push-button locks and crank windows.

And stupid TVs.