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Beware the female binky

Today, it seems everyone (except me) has a cell phone. I was in the hardware store last night and noticed a father and his young daughter. As the child walked through the store, she was holding her personal cell phone in her left hand. After a while, she began trying to put the phone in her overall pockets. Despite the micro-sized phone, her pockets were too small.

After a few frustrating attempts, she said, “Daddy, my cell phone won't fit in my pocket.” He replied, “Well, just carry it honey.” Little did he know he was setting the stage for a lifetime of handicapped living for his little girl. She was becoming one of the millions of one-handed women.

Next time you're out, look around and observe what's most often in a woman's left hand. It's her cell phone. Women almost always carry their cell phones in their left hands. Today, the modern, small cell phone has become the adult female's version of a “binky.” You know, like a child's pacifier. They just can't let go of the darn things.

You will see women in airports, overloaded with a purse, briefcase and luggage — carrying everything their right hand. Why? Because their left hand is carrying a cell phone. That cell phone may be plastered against their left ear because they are talking to someone, but it's always in their left hand.

Men, on the other hand, carry their cell phones on their belts. You don't see men running through airports with their briefcase, laptop and luggage all held in one hand so their other hand can embrace their cell phone. No. Men don't have this need to caress cell phones like women do.

Women, on the other hand, build an intimate relationship with their cell phone — never wanting to break that contact. It's almost as if the phone might run away if they ever let go of it.

After giving this matter some thought, I believe I've discovered the underlying reason for women's passionate love affair with their cell phones.

I think it's a plot. Women are really using their phones as an exercise device. They hold the cell phone to strengthen their left hand. And once their hands are stronger, they plan to take away guys' TV remotes. Then they will control the TV channels.

Oh no, perish the thought. Can you imagine watching as your TV surfs between “Trading Spaces,” soap operas, Lifetime, Style and WE? That's too horrifying to even imagine. Men unite — before we lose control!

Meanwhile, “Barbara, hand me the remote, get me a beer and what channel is wrestling on?”

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