It has come to my attention that Federal Communications Commission Chairman
Julius Genachowski may be ready to return to the private sector, where, like
many an esteemed chairman before him, he can collect handsomely on all the nice
things he did for others as the head of the nation’s media regulatory agency.
I understand this job involves the clever and strategic use of cupcakery. In
light of Chairman Genachowski’s rumored possible exit, I wanted to take this
opportunity to inform you that I, too, enjoy cupcakes, and think rather highly
of ball-shaped cakes on sticks as well. For these, and other, possibly more
germane reasons, I believe myself to be the perfect nominee for the
chairmanship. Allow me to elaborate.
In keeping with the established tradition that the FCC leadership have as
little engineering experience as possible, I clearly qualify. I am not an
engineer, though I know several engineers personally and even speak with them
on occasion. I’ve had many years of practicing to appear as if I have a clue
about what they are saying. I am in fact often able to take their information
and reinterpret it as something completely unrecognizable. I think you’ll agree this is generally in keeping with current policy directives.
Also, if you’ve had the pleasure of regularly reading my weekly blog here at TV Technology, which I’m sure you have,
then you’ll see that I possess yet another skill commensurate with the office
of chairman, and that is the ability to carry on at some length without
actually saying anything relevant. Another related skill along these lines is
to advocate for an industry in terms of patriotic and moral duty. Rest assured
that I will stop at nothing to continuously stress to the
consumer media that whichever industry promises me the biggest payoff
your policy goals will create
hundreds of millions of jobs, erase the deficit, and save the lives of millions
of innocent children for generations to come.
I also pledge to continue the subliminal campaign characterizing radio
frequency spectrum as something on the end of a leash. In addition, I will appear
to be concerned about media diversity when in reality I couldn’t care less. (We
don’t, right? Because if we did, we wouldn’t be pushing a spectrum policy that
will drive every non-English-language TV station off the air, correct?)
With regard to the agency’s website, I will build upon the current
administration’s deployment of an army of web devs, who had never nor will ever
use it for research purposes, and who turned it into a barely navigable and
therefore commercially viable site. We’re talking digital ad sales, here. This
is an ongoing lost revenue opportunity, particularly with traffic spiking from
the insane number of “folders” employed in the online TV station public file
Among my other qualifications for the job of FCC chairman, I have the necessary
legal training, having used the Lexis/Nexis terminal at the University of
Nebraska-Lincoln campus library. I am a regular reader of Courthouse News, and have caught the end of something Nancy Grace
said a time or two.
I’m sure you’ll find I have innumerable skills to recommend me for this job. I
would refer you to my profile on Linkedin.com,
where you’ll see that a significant number of individuals have endorsed me for
such competencies as writing, blogging, writing and “dancing at SMPTE.” You may
also know that I have a long history of associating with influential people,
including Ted Turner, who once requested that I sit on his lap, to former FCC
Chairman Michael Powell, who did not. I believe it should also be mentioned
here that I can, with a bit of warming up, shoot a pretty decent three-pointer.
I am also a woman, a paucity of which have occupied that luxurious eighth-floor
office with its magnificent view of Washington, D.C.
In conclusion, Mr. President, let me say that I believe you will find me to be
the foremost nominee for the chairmanship. I look forward to my nomination and
standing in front of the Senate appearing contrite and serious. Most of all, I
look forward to the windfall of cupcakery that will come my way once I, too,
have been chairmadame.
Deborah D. McAdams