Deborah McAdams /
11.15.2012 05:06PM
McAdams On: Me for Chairman
Who better to run the FCC?
Dear President Obama,
It has come to my attention that Federal Communications Commission Chairman Julius Genachowski may be ready to return to the private sector, where, like many an esteemed chairman before him, he can collect handsomely on all the nice things he did for others as the head of the nation’s media regulatory agency.

I understand this job involves the clever and strategic use of cupcakery. In light of Chairman Genachowski’s rumored possible exit, I wanted to take this opportunity to inform you that I, too, enjoy cupcakes, and think rather highly of ball-shaped cakes on sticks as well. For these, and other, possibly more germane reasons, I believe myself to be the perfect nominee for the chairmanship. Allow me to elaborate.

In keeping with the established tradition that the FCC leadership have as little engineering experience as possible, I clearly qualify. I am not an engineer, though I know several engineers personally and even speak with them on occasion. I’ve had many years of practicing to appear as if I have a clue about what they are saying. I am in fact often able to take their information and reinterpret it as something completely unrecognizable. I think you’ll agree this is generally in keeping with current policy directives.

Also, if you’ve had the pleasure of regularly reading my weekly blog here at TV Technology, which I’m sure you have, then you’ll see that I possess yet another skill commensurate with the office of chairman, and that is the ability to carry on at some length without actually saying anything relevant. Another related skill along these lines is to advocate for an industry in terms of patriotic and moral duty. Rest assured that I will stop at nothing to continuously stress to the unsuspecting consumer media that whichever industry promises me the biggest payoff your policy goals will create hundreds of millions of jobs, erase the deficit, and save the lives of millions of innocent children for generations to come.

I also pledge to continue the subliminal campaign characterizing radio frequency spectrum as something on the end of a leash. In addition, I will appear to be concerned about media diversity when in reality I couldn’t care less. (We don’t, right? Because if we did, we wouldn’t be pushing a spectrum policy that will drive every non-English-language TV station off the air, correct?)

With regard to the agency’s website, I will build upon the current administration’s deployment of an army of web devs, who had never nor will ever use it for research purposes, and who turned it into a barely navigable and therefore commercially viable site. We’re talking digital ad sales, here. This is an ongoing lost revenue opportunity, particularly with traffic spiking from the insane number of “folders” employed in the online TV station public file initiative.

Among my other qualifications for the job of FCC chairman, I have the necessary legal training, having used the Lexis/Nexis terminal at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus library. I am a regular reader of Courthouse News, and have caught the end of something Nancy Grace said a time or two.

I’m sure you’ll find I have innumerable skills to recommend me for this job. I would refer you to my profile on Linkedin.com, where you’ll see that a significant number of individuals have endorsed me for such competencies as writing, blogging, writing and “dancing at SMPTE.” You may also know that I have a long history of associating with influential people, including Ted Turner, who once requested that I sit on his lap, to former FCC Chairman Michael Powell, who did not. I believe it should also be mentioned here that I can, with a bit of warming up, shoot a pretty decent three-pointer. I am also a woman, a paucity of which have occupied that luxurious eighth-floor office with its magnificent view of Washington, D.C.

In conclusion, Mr. President, let me say that I believe you will find me to be the foremost nominee for the chairmanship. I look forward to my nomination and standing in front of the Senate appearing contrite and serious. Most of all, I look forward to the windfall of cupcakery that will come my way once I, too, have been chairmadame.

Your friend,
Deborah D. McAdams




 



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1.
Posted by: Deborah McAdams
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 6:33PM Report Comment
I typically refrain from responding to comments, given it was drilled into my head once to let all y'all have the last word, but I am compelled to thank you dear readers who clearly agree with my modest opinion of myself. - D.
2.
Posted by: John Lawson
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 4:11PM Report Comment
Dear Deborah, What have you done now? Publishing your letter to the President making the case for your nomination to be FCC Chair...uh, er, madame, is really creating some ripples here inside the Beltway. You've hit each (apparent) qualification for the job so squarely on the bean that, rumor has it, the White House Office of Personnel has been diverted from the whole Susan-Rice-for-State conundrum. They've started making urgent calls to the Senate Commerce Committee to help "knock down this McAdams thing" before it builds more traction. A Senate staffer just called and said the WH has asked for their help to "just make this go away," so they were calling everyone who might know you in hope of talking you out it. (I told them I had never met you.) Anyway, best of wishes. A source told me, "You'd better wish her luck with the FBI background investigation, hey, hey." I think they may have already started searching your emails using their "warrantless wiretap" authority under the USA Patriot Act. You're not writing a fawning biography of any four stars are you?. Nah, you don't do fawning -- that's why getting this appointment might be a stretch for you after all. Your secret supporter.




Wednesday 9:02AM
Analysts: TV Regs 'Not as Dire as We Thought'
We feel the negatives are known and are a lot more comfortable recommending the space.


 
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