December is here and it's time to make my list and check it twice. I have a ton of shopping to do and I need to get cracking.
I've picked out the perfect gift for the suits at CBS. I will be buying them a backbone. Given that they pulled their show about Ronald Reagan back in November, it's obvious they need a spine.
It's not that I think the movie was anything great. I just think CBS was gutless when people started giving them flack about it. I just hope the store hasn't run out of backbones. I think they'll be a popular gift this season.
I'll be getting my favorite anchor people another case of hairspray. It is the same gift I give them every year, but they seem to go through the stuff like it's water. If we could eliminate all the anchors on earth, the ozone layer would be just fine.
I would like to get L.A.'s Jillian Barbarie another TV show. It seems with the KTLA morning news, Good Day Live, Elimidate, Fox NFL, V.I.P. and Good Morning Miami, she just doesn't have enough to do.
I am sure that if you put all of Jillian's paychecks together she would be one of the highest-paid people in TV. I hope she gets me something good this year. Last year she gave me a Chia Pet.
For my news director friends, I will make a run over the Canadian border and buy them another box of Prozac. Those people go through the stuff like anchors do with hairspray. As you know, you can get drugs a lot cheaper in Canada.
Let's see...what should I buy Katie Couric? You know what? That woman has so much money I don't think I need to get her anything. But I would like her to buy me a Hummer H2. It's not like she can't afford it.
I would like to buy a hit show for the people at NBC. Now that Friends is almost over, they are in need of something big time. Do you get the feeling that NBC is fast becoming what CBS was in the 1990s?
I have to hit the stores and start shopping. It is hard to believe that another year is almost gone. Where the hell did this year go? It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year and hoping for great things. Oh, well. There's always 2004.
I guess I could have had a worse year. I could have been hyped up on pain pills and taking shots at Donovan McNabb.
When I look at the bright side of 2003, at least Bill O'Reilly didn't sue me. It seems that O'Reilly and his gang over at Fox were busy keeping the lawyers happy. One report even said that they were going to sue the Simpsons. Then they figured out their network aired the show.
Yes, indeed, 2003 could have been worse: NBC boss Jeff Zucker didn't call to say I sucked. He did say that about some of NBC's fall shows. Of course these were shows that Zucker himself signed off on.
2003 was a good year for CBS. With hit shows like CSI and CSI Miami the Tiffany Network is beginning to shine again. I hear that in 2004 they are changing the name of the Letterman show to CSI: Dave. I hope that works out for them.
The FCC spent most of 2003 figuring out how to let Wal-Mart take over the TV industry. 2003 was a bad year if you were a mom-and-pop operation trying to make it in the world of television.
Sinclair showed us that you could put on newscasts all over the country with a staff of 14 people. News Central has to be my pick for the worst thing about 2003.
I hope that each one of you get everything you ask for this holiday season. I can only wish that some of you will get what you deserve.
As for me, I am making room in my garage for the new Hummer that Katie Couric is going to buy me.
Let me be the first to wish you a happy 2004. Good luck and happy ratings for everyone.