Welcome to the New Year
1/3/2011 4:54:32 PM
Please take your seat
and fasten your seatbelt.
We are expecting some
turbulence on the flight
through the year 2011. We’d like to direct
your attention to the television monitors.
Note that television monitors not
connected to the Internet will become quaint
relics of a bygone era. Those connected
through a peripheral device will become
objects of mild curiosity, like telescoping
Television monitors connected to cable
or satellite service will become démodé as
people discover that aerial reception plus
shows delivered online equals hybrid à la
Please make sure your seat backs and
folding trays are in their full upright position
as Internet pirates proliferate. Observe
them claiming the constitutional right to
resell network programming without paying
license fees for it. Watch the resulting
bonanza for the Lawyers Benevolent Society
and Limousine Service. See the quality
of programming deteriorate even further
into a mélange of webcam voyeurism and
larvae-eating quasi savages bedecked in
strategically disheveled Patagonia Outdoor
Clothing. Don’t miss the grocery store gossip
rags celebritizing a loosely knit community of
cultish figures consisting of the last known
Americans who have not been on TV. They
will run, but they cannot hide.
At this time, we request that all cell
phones, pagers, radios and remote-controlled
model helicopters be turned on
simultaneously in order to verify predictions
of astronomically growing data-rate
consumption. Nonuse of these items may
interfere with the federal government’s
justification for subsidizing the wireless
industry, and may contribute to the
preservation of free, over-the-air television.
And finally, in the event of another
economic descent, we direct your attention
to 3DTV, a needless televisual augmentation
intended to divert you from the absence of
emergency exits on the flight through 2011.
Neither is there supplemental oxygen nor
anything attached to your seats that will float.
Enjoy your flight.